


Earth C[hat]

by OdeToEyes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Earth C, Explicit Language, Group chat, Multi, Other, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, also sorry im using character names instead of chat handles, first fic, im making this up as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-11-16
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-08-31 07:30:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8569669
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OdeToEyes/pseuds/OdeToEyes
Summary: Post Sburb/Sgrub (Earth C) group chat with the Beta & Alpha kids, and the trolls!





	1. Chapter 1

**[You have been added to the group "Earth C[hat]" with 10 others by "dave (turntechGodhead)"]**  
  


john: what the fuck

karkat: DAVE WHAT THE HELL IS THIS

dave: hey i figured weve got to have a place to chat and all you know with being gods and all that 

dave: do you like the pun in the chat name

john: i do find it quite funny actually

karkat: HOW LONG DID IT TAKE YOU TO COME UP WITH THAT EINSTEIN

dave: about 15 

john: it's a good joke for 15 seconds of thought!

dave: i meant 15 minutes 

john: oh...

rose: I see you came up with means of communication Dave, while I find the title quite dumb, I think it was a good decision.

rose: Certainly better than texting or calling separately, that's for sure.

dave: at least someone appreciates my hard work

dave: i put my blood sweat and piss into creating this group 

dave: this is the best creation in this world 

dave: only coming second to my idea to make not wearing shades at all times illegal

jade: that was a really good law, now all the carapacians are protected from the sun at all times!

dave: yeah and they also look slick as hell

jade: that too!!

terezi: 1 P3RSONALLY TH1NK TH3 SH4D3S WOULDVE LOOK3D B3TT3R IN R3D, BUT 1TS YOUR RUL3

rose: Enough shades discourse, this chat should be kept very organised and professional, we are all adults after all.

karkat: I DONT THINK ANYTHING INCLUDING DAVE CAN BE KEPT PROFESSIONAL

dave: yeah fuck being adults dude this place is going to be a fucking party pit

kanaya: Im Sorry Rose But I Have To Agree With Dave And Karkat About This

kanaya: If We Need To Talk About Something Important We Can Call Eachother

dave: hell yeah kanaya preach it

rose: I can't believe it, betrayed by my wife, and my best friend.

rose: And his husband!

rose: I guess you guys win the popular vote on this

dave: fuck yeah

dave: we wont let you colonize my group chat rose

dave: no serious conversation is allowed

john: did you guys hear who got elected mayor of can town?

karkat: LET ME MAKE A WILD GUESS

karkat: AND THIS IS COMPLETELY A FUCKING SHOT IN THE DARK

karkat: IS IT 

karkat: BY ANY CHANCE

karkat: THE FUCKING MAYOR?

dave: yeah you got it right babe good job im so proud of you this is why i married you in the first place youre so smart im such a lucky dude to be in a relationship with such a chill intelligent guy

dave: im so blessed

karkat: DON'T SASS ME DAVE I'LL UNPLUG THE WIFI AGAIN

dave: oh im so scared please dont hurt me daddy

karkat: ALRIGHT FUCK YOU

**[ "dave (turntechGodhead)" has disconnected.]**

**[ "karkat (carcinoGeneticist)" has disconnected.]**

**[ "dave (turntechGodhead)" has reconnected.]**

**[ "karkat (carcinoGeneticist)" has reconnected.]**

roxy: am i late to the party

dave: youre never late this place is a fucking party all the time like 25/7 

john: hey roxy!! :)

roxy: greetings johnathan

john: are you still angry about last night?

roxy: what kind of person eats another persons banana bread

john: how was i supposed to know that it was your banana bread?

roxy: smh what an awful husband

roxy: when we have a child are u going to eat them too

roxy: u and ur mouth cant be trusted 

john: what no that sounds awful!! :(

roxy: if i see one more piece of my banana bread disappear im getting the mayor to divorce us

roxy: i just cant be with someone who has so little respect for me and my banana bread belongings

john: ill make it up to you tonight ;)

roxy: u better bring banana bread to bed or youre sleeping on the carpet

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dave and Jade create a smuppet-shaped black hole, and John talks about his feelings!

**[Thursday, November 17th 2016]**

dave: why the fuck is it so quiet here

dave: this is the worst party ever

rose: Well, since we are gods Dave, some of us have actual responsibilities.

rose: As shocking as it comes, gods don't just sit around.

dave: what are you talking about all i do is sit around and everything seems fine to me

rose: That's because everyone else is working 110% to fill in for you.

dave: keep up the great work guys

john: i'll cut off this argument to bring you some great news!

john: can town officially got it's first college!!

rose: That's fantastic!

rose: It's great to keep the citizens well educated, even if we don't really have any students yet.

dave: guys i just thought of something

dave: imagine what kind of shit we missed in school because we all got sucked into a game and destroyed the world at 13

rose: Wow Dave, it's weird seeing you talk about something as serious as learning!

dave: well ROSE, i can actually act quite intelligent when i want to

rose: It's certainly a rare sight, isn't it?

dave: yeah my intelligence is like a cryptid at this point

dave: only two people have seen it and their only evidence is a photo taken with a shitty camera from 1998

karkat: IT'S TRUE.

karkat: I'VE BEEN WITH HIM FOR FOUR YEARS AND I ONLY SAW IT ONCE.

karkat: WHEN HE TRIED TO CALCULATE THE DENSITY OF A FUCKING SMUPPET TO SEE HOW SMALL IT WOULD NEED TO BE FOR IT TO TURN INTO A BLACK HOLE.

karkat: HE GAVE UP WHEN HE FOUND OUT IT WOULDN'T BE SHAPED LIKE A SMUPPET.

dave: my dreams of a giant star eating smuppet were crushed

jade: i can probably make one of the black holes smuppet shaped for you dave!!

dave: jade you are the best god ever

~~**======================================================================================** ~~

jake: Hello chaps!

jake: How are all of you?

dave: im fucking hyped for a smuppet black hole

dave: which im from now on calling the SEDP-69

dave: which obviously stands for star eating dick puppet 69

jake: That sounds marvelous!

jake: What are you up to, john?

john: nothing much, i'm just messing around can town.

john: these wind powers are both a blessing and a curse.

john: like i tried to save someones cat from a tree today, and i accidentally blew all of the leaves from the tree away.

john: so i guess they got both their cat and autumn.

jake: Is roxy still mad at you about her bread?

john: i don't think so, i think she was mostly joking yesterday.

jade: am i the only one that notices that john is bummed?? :(

jade: is anything wrong!? 

john: nothing in particular.

john: i'm still figuring out all of this stuff around the planet and everything.

john: even after four years of being here, it all still feels new.

john: also, i'm back in the same house i was on old earth.

john: and it's bringing back so many memories...

john: mostly of my dad, and all our antics together.

john: i really miss him.

john: every time i look at a picture of him, the scene of him dead on that roof just pops back into mind. :(

jade: why don't you just take the pictures off??

john: i don't want to!

john: my dad was amazing and i'm really sad i didn't hug him and love him more before he was gone...

john: i'm sorry i'm rambling a lot, you probably didn't want all of this.

jade: it's okay john, if you need something all of us are always here to help!! :)

dave: yeah dude just ask im always up to come over and engage in some shenanigans with you

dave: karkat will come too

karkat: WHILE I DIDN'T SIGN UP FOR THIS, I KIND OF HAVE TO AGREE.

karkat: IF YOU NEED HELP JUST SEND US A MESSAGE, WE WILL BE THERE AS FAST AS POSSIBLE.

rose: I know how you feel John, I still miss my mother sometimes.

rose: Even if she was drunk most of the time, and had a weird obsession with wizards, she was still a great mother.

rose: If you need to talk, I'm here.

terezi: WH1L3 1 D1D TRY TO K1LL YOU THAT ON3 T1M3

terezi: 4ND S3NT YOU TO COMPL3T3 S3V3R4L PO1NTL3SS TASKS

terezi: 1 H4V3 GROWN FOND OF YOU >:]

terezi: SO 1F YOU N33D M3 FOR WH4T3V3R R34SON IM H3R3

roxy: even tho u ate all of my banana bread and also only brought half of it to bed last night

roxy: as ur wife an friend i have to support you

roxy: so if u need to talk or hug it out or w/ever *wonk*

roxy: im always here

roxy: like literally here

roxy: i live upstairs

john: thank you guys.

john: it's nice knowing you always have someone to lean on!

john: i think i'll go help out some more citizens now.

john: thank you guys again.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so since this got a lot of support, i made a second chapter!  
> if anyone has advice for doing dirk, please leave a comment, since the reason he isnt appearing is because i dont really know how to do him


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dirk finally shows up, and Dave, Rose, and John talk about carapacian language, education, and internet culture!

**[Saturday, November 19th]**

 

 

dirk: I turn on my phone after two days and you managed to get dick black holes, education, and emotional drama in one chat string.

dirk: It's an impressive feat, as those are very different topics.

rose: I agree, but I'm not very surprised.

rose: This used to happen a lot back on the meteor and on Earth A.

dirk: What do you mean "Earth A" that was our Earth.

rose: Well, our Earth came first, so it's only logical to name it Earth A

dirk: Yeah but our Earth is Earth Alpha, and yours is Earth Beta.

dirk: So ours should be Earth A.

dave: new drinking game,

dave: take a shot every time the fucking word earth is said

dave: i already died from alcohol poisoning

rose: Let's not get into these things, since those are long gone.

rose: I think what's important is that we all agreed on "Earth C"

dave: yeah if you didnt do that my pun wouldnt have been possible and i think that would be a doomed timeline

dave: a timeline where my rad joke doesnt exist because of some stupid name isnt a timeline i or any of the other daves want to live in

rose: How did that smuppet black hole work out Dave?

dave: you mean the SEDP-69

rose: Yes.

dave: well i havent really checked on it but the last time i saw it stars were pouring into its dick

dave: so i think that it was an overall SUCCess 

john: hey guys!!

dave: whats up johnny boy

john: i'm feeling a lot better than i did a couple of days ago.

john: also, the college has gotten its first batch of students!

rose: How is that possible? 

rose: Don't the carapacians have to start from elementary school?

john: well yeah, but turns out some of them were actually really smart!

john: around 70 of them passed the entrance exam.

rose: That's wonderful!

dave: what kind of shit do they teach there

dave: does math exist among carapacians

john: umm yeah i think so.

john: it's still pretty basic though, but they're advancing a lot.

rose: I quite like the language they invented for themselves.

rose: It sounds oddly familiar, but while still being it's own thing.

john: they are incredibly advanced in the terms of that.

john: it's got its own grammar, and slang!

dave: i cant wait for some internet carapacians do shitpost all over carapacian tumblr

dave: carapacian lets play montages

dave: two carapacians one cup

karkat: I'M GOING TO STOP YOU RIGHT FUCKING THERE.

karkat: JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS, DAVE FUCKING FORCED ME TO WATCH THAT VIDEO.

karkat: I HAVE SINCE THROWN ALL THE FUCKING CUPS IN THE HOUSE, IN FEAR THAT ONE DAY I WILL WAKE UP TO FIND THEM FILLED WITH STEAMING PILES OF SHIT.

karkat: I DON'T GET IT, DO YOU HUMANS FIND THAT "HOT"?

rose: No, Karkat.

rose: Believe me, everyone else was just as disgusted as you after watching that video.

dave: rose you have no idea

dave: i have delved deeper into this pile of shit than anyone else

dave: some people actually enjoy this

dave: get off to it even

karkat: HOW CAN SOMEONE EVER BE TURNED ON BY WATCHING TWO FUCKING HUMAN FEMALES LITERALLY EAT SHIT.

dave: i dont know

dave: and i dont ever want to find out

jake: I have never seen that film!

jake: But by your description, i dont think i want to see it.

dave: jake would you be kind to come over to my house later this evening

jake: Of course dave!

jake: I have always wanted to get together with you and vantas for a nice cup of tea!

dave: yes

dave: a cup of tea and some nice films

dave: does that sound good

jake: It sounds marvelous!

jake: I will be there in an hour!

dave: perfect

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> damn you guys really like this shit huh  
> anyways i'd like to thank you for 25 kudos, i know its not a lot but it means a lot to me.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jake has been scarred for life, the Clover sext is discussed, Jane appears, and the carapacians are raising a statue to a god!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whats up losers im here to fuck up your day with some more awful fanfiction

**[20th of November, 2016]**

 

 

dirk: Brokay, would anyone like to explain why Jake is smashing cups in our backyard?

dirk: He says they give him PTSD.

dave: i wouldnt happen to know anything about that

dave: would you karkat

karkat: NO, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA.

karkat: PROBABLY SOME KIND OF WEIRD FUCKING DREAM HE HAD.

dave: yeah it was probably that

dave: i guess it will always be a mistery

jake: LIES!

jake: These lunatics did this to me!

dave: what a weird dream you had jake

dave: lay off the coffee

karkat: BECAUSE WE HAVE NO ANSWER TO THIS FUCKING CONUNDRUM.

karkat: DID EVERYONE RECEIVE THAT FUCKING SEXT FROM CLOVER.

dave: yeah he put it in his story

dave: do you know how shocking it is to open a little green guys snapchat 

dave: expecting some innocent little pictures

dave: and see him sexily undoing his shirt while smirking

rose: I was quite shocked myself!

rose: I didn't know leprechauns had the same sort of system of attraction as we did!

dave: how do those things even reproduce

dave: i guess its going to be a permanent mistery

dave: similar to jakes ptsd of cups

jane: Howdy!

roxy: hey janey!!

dave: whats up jane

dave: havent seen you here

jane: Oh, well I've been up to my own shenanigans! :B

dave: up to your usual pranks

jane: Yes!

jane: The citizens of can town never see it coming! Hoo hoo hoo :B

dave: give us an example of some of your most hardcore pranks

jane: Well just yesterday I poured some water on someone!

jane: While they were showering even! Hoo hoo hoo

dave: wow jane youre such a professional comedian

dave: so hardcore

roxy: janey youre going to have to visit me sometime so we can talk about ur pranks

jane: Are they a bit too harsh?

roxy: exactly

john: as usual, i'm here to bring you news from can town!

john: the citizens are currently holding a vote to see which god will get a statue in the town square.

john: so far, the leaders are dave, rose, roxy, and me!

dave: wow im so humbled to be such a large part of their little chess man lives

roxy: y would they want a statue of me

roxy: i guess i am a beautiful goddess

john: yes you are!

john: you're the most gorgeous person in all of the universe!

roxy: see john backs me up

roxy: and i didnt even threaten him!

john: please help me she has taken hostages.

roxy: haha john

roxy: lay off the hot choco!!

roxy: youre so funny haha

john: free me.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it, it's my first fic, constructive criticism is appreciated, I'll try to update this if it goes well
> 
> ((i spent 20 minutes just arranging the tags please help me))


End file.
